Xander Is An Oscar Wilde Novel

Apparently so after taking the Which Literature Classic Are You test (thanks to Grace for the link)....

Oscar Wilde: The Portrait of Dorian Gray. You are a horror novel from the world of dandies, rich pretty boys, art and aesthetics, and intellectual debates between ethical people and decadent pleasure-seekers. You value beauty and pleasure but realize their dangers, as well.

... how devastatingly gay.

So You Think You Love Xmas Shopping

Now, very recently I had to accept that not everyone is as smart as me.

They're not.

And why are they not as smart as me? Because they don't do all the Xmas Shopping on the internet, have it home delivered for a cheaper price. Noooooooo

They decide to be Dumbass Incompetent Christmas-shopper(s). I like to call them Dics.

If like, me you're one for the discovery channel, you might wonder where you can find a street full of Dics, what's their natural habit? What do they eat? Where do they live?

Never fear, my handy analysis will explain all....

THE NATURAL HABITAT OF THE DIC

Dics like to hang out at Oxford Street. You're more likely to find them closer to Xmas. Dics are stupid enough to believe that no one else will have the same idea of going to Oxford Street. Those dics who return to the nesting ground year after year will try and outsmart their fellow incompetent shoppers by not going after work or on Saturdays. However, those of us who are not dics will realise that form about the 10th of December onwards, Oxford Street will always be crowded.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF THE DIC

They have a lot of time to kill if we're being honest. I mean, no one with a life thinks that it's fun to stand in the middle of street in sub-zero temperatures not being able to move because there's 5 million people standing around struck dumb by their own stupidity at attempting Xmas shopping on Oxford Street and partly because they haven't got a clue where they are going. What amazes scientists most about the dic, is the lemming-like deathwish they have which appears to be hardwired. Indeed, it would seem dics are born with this crazy retail behaviour; they are not taught. How do scientists know this? Let's talk science! If you were to conduct a random survey of all your friends who are dics, you would realise that most of them have never been to Oxford Street but magically know that this is the perfect place for all their gift-buying needs. You could save them a lot of time and money by jamming their heads into a filing cabinet. They'd get the same sensation of shopping on Oxford Street (i.e. freezing and being squished) without wasting any money on their dumbass family.... who won't have bought them gifts anyway because being a dic is genetic and the rest of their family will have also spent 10 hours on Oxford Street without buying anything.

HOW DO DICS MOVE AROUND?

Like many Londoners, most dics use the Underground to travel to their special breeding ground. Like stupid-powered homing pigeons they flock to the Bakerloo line (drastically reducing the hotty rating I might add!) and get off at Oxford Circus. This is because it is inconcievable for dics to not use a station called Oxford Circus when going to Oxford Street. To a dic, it does not matter if the shops they frequent are nearer Covent Garden or Marble Arch, the only transport possibilty is to arrive at Oxford Circus and then spend 20 minutes deciding where they want to go.

The rest of their migration journey is taken on foot, waddling like penguins. Some will eventually realise a one-way system is being use on the pavement. Others will flounder helplessly against a mighty tidal wave, eventually realising that wearing 9 inch heels to go Christmas Shopping was a bad idea. As a last ditch attempt they will run into the road where they will be squashed; not by a moving bus, but two buses that are waitmoving slowly in the gridlock traffic. It will be a slow and tragic death. Other dics will look on, but give this natural event in the circle of life, safe in the knowledge that "dat bitch wont be gettin the last Shiatsu back massager innit".

THE SHOPPING PATTERN OF THE DIC

Evolution has really not been kind to the dic. Their craniums, while large enough to support abilities such as filing credit card applications has not blessed them with the intelligence to realise that not all the shops in London (or indeed the world) are located on Oxford Circus. Inexperienced Dics will vainly trudge up and down Oxford Street trying to find Nike town. On the way they will pass about 100 JB Sports shops which will sell the shoes they are looking for.

WHAT DO DICS EAT?

It is the nature of the dic to never plan ahead. After 3 hours waiting in the cold to move 10 paces down the street and the 2 hour wait to get into the highstreet store of choice (Dics don't realise that stores like Topman, NEXT, Gap and H&M have about 20,000000 stores nationwide) they realise they haven't eaten for a month. Although scientists have now discovered that the big fat dics have been storing up for Winter. The only thing a dic is able to consume is something stamped with a Starbucks logo. Dics can hunt for the gifts in packs; when this the case they sometimes split into smaller groups using the classic dic call of "Ok babe, we'll meet you in Starbucks".

They are rarely seen alive again. The natural world is cruel one.

Xander's Faith In Amateur Theatre Is Restored

Not only that but my faith in amateur musical theatre has been restored.

Last week I went to see Sideshow's production of BIG RIVER at the invitation of Denise, the stage manger, who is one of my work colleagues.

I saw the preview performance which you'd never know was a preview (always a good sign), so it was very cheap.

I'm normally a highly critical audience member (whether pro or amateur) and I can safely say that I would happily uproot that entire production and replant it in the West End, the quality was really very, very high.

The cast are strong across the board in both acting and singing, although a couple of performers did have some tuning problems (I suspect due to nerves on the opening night) and all showed great characterisation even though their accents moved all over the USA!

The set is really beautiful and easy on the eyes, not overly complex but ultimately very effective and well used.The sound was also very well done; this is something that is so often cocked up in pro and amateur productions but you could always hear the vocals. Denise told me that all the technical aspects of the show were organised in the tech rehearsal on Tuesday so major respect for that!)

The orchestra were good as well apart from a few preview performance jitters. No real interpretation of the score though and pretty poor dynamic contrast, but you can't ask for everything.

Some bad directorial choices; the racial elements of the story weren't promoted enough (you really DO need to use the racists words and you CAN'T have white people singing about freedom alongside the black people) and the piece lacked tension in areas where climaxes could have been achieved but overall very slick and a joy to watch.

The word I would use to describe this show was "gentle". It never really gets your pulse racing, but you certainly don't regret spending 2 hours of your life going to see it. It was just great to sit back and absorb. I've seen much, much, much worse performances on the West End.