Musical Theatre Writers Give Thanks

That's right kids. This weekend I will be attending a Thanksgiving Meal with my american lyricist/librettist counterparts who obviously are infinitely more prepared than me for this event given that I've never been to a Thanksgiving dinner before. Rather than shit my pants, I thought I would look on the web for some ideas of what kind of things I should be doing/saying as a guest. It has made my day. Here is one excerpt from an article by Susie Cortright:

"Make a small booklet or a mini scrapbook album (which you can either make or purchase.) Write "Five Things I Love About My Family and Friends" and keep it out on the table during your Thanksgiving celebration. Each guest can come and record thoughts and insights. Other themes to try: "Five Things I'm Thankful For" or "Five Wishes for my Family and Friends." An even simpler approach would be to put one sheet of cardstock out for each year - and combine them together over the years in a Thanksgiving Gratitude Scrapbook."

She has other amazing ideas....

"Designate a particular tablecloth for your family Thanksgiving celebrations. Provide fabric markers where guests can record their "gratitudes" or special prayers for the year ahead. Ask your guests to sign and date each message, as you'll be using the same tablecloth year after year."

I wish I was making this up!

"Make a Gratitude Circle. Before the Thanksgiving meal, everyone stands and holds hands in a circle. Guests each take a turn sharing what they are grateful for. Or - if your guests are on the shy side - ask everyone to write down their blessings on a piece of paper, which you can read before or after dinner."

There was also a very reassuring article on About.com from Donna Pilato who took us through the trials, tribulations and her utter dispair when her mother asked her to bring a fruit salad to Thanksgiving rather than do a really special antipasto dish that she normally does. Quite frankly, be thankful you got off lightly bitch, fruit salads are easy. Stop trying to upstage your mum you attention seeker.

Now what to wear? Help was luckily at hand from etiquettegrrls.com on this very, very difficult issue...

"If the meal is being served in the Early Afternoon (customary for Thanksgiving), we think it is appropriate to dress in Nice, Dressy Clothing that is Still Appropriate for Daytime. For Girls, this would be a Pretty Dress, or Blouse / Sweater Set and Skirt, or a Suit, with Accessories to Match. Boys should wear a Jacket and Tie with a Nice Button-Down shirt and Dressy Pants, or a Suit, and Good Shoes. Both Boys and Girls must avoid anything Sparkly, Garish, Tight, Revealing, or (Horrors) Dirty."

No spandex then.

No onto more important issues of ettiquette and this is obviously a religious festival of sorts..

"Whatever your Religious Beliefs, if any form of Grace or Blessing is said, you must Be Respectful. If you do not know how to participate, follow the lead of others, looking appropriately solemn. If you are asked to Say Grace, Make a Toast, etc., you must comply, no matter how much you hate Speaking in Public. (It is probably good, for this reason, to Be Prepared and have something Short and Sweet ready to say, Just In Case.) Similarly, if you Fancy Yourself an Orator, and you are Dining at Someone Else's House, do not Usurp the Floor from that family's Patriarch or Matriarch."

Basically, respect the mummy. In this case, Margaret and Catherine.

I was however upset to find that none of the Thansgiving Traditions articles included games such as "Hunt The Red Indians".

Lamentable Tragedies

Getting my blog back to it's more theatrical basis (it wasn't set up to talk about how fit people are on the Underground, although that post resulted in many people declaring me a genius and reccomending I write for a newspaper... I thank them) I wanted to write something about the show I saw at my theatre last night.

THE MOST EXCELLENT AND LAMENTABLE TRAGEDY (OF ROMEO AND JULIET) by Volcano Theatre.

Now you might thing that this had something to do with the Shakespeare play... which it did. Volcano have a reputation it seems to taking works and reinventing them using new concepts and physical theatre. Sounds wanky? Well it could be.

The Shakespeare text in this production was really chopped up and slotted into bits of the "play" which kind of encompassed the spirit of ROMEO & JULIET in a Big Brother style concept. The new story was that 4 welsh housemates (they are welsh for no reason other than that the company is from Swansea) in a game show/sociological experience (not sure which) are taking on the personas of the Shakespeare characters Romeo, Juliet and Tibalt. Their 'real life' personas matched their shakespearian counterparts in quite an ingenious and sometimes funny way. This trippy story, where it wasn't entirely clear who killed who (because it didn't follow the plot of ROMEO AND JULIET), involved some really cool physical theatre and just about every set piece in the house was turned upside down and used in some quite scary acrobatic and gymnastic tricks.

Add to this mix the voyer, Friar Laurence who films them and interviews them which is then projected on a big screen at the back of the theatre, music from West Side Story and Monty Python and Barbie/Ken dolls that re-enact the roles of Romeo and Juliet.

Sounds fucked up. Which it was. But I liked it a lot.

My only gripe is that the new concept that had grown from the themes of ROMEO AND JULIET, didn't fully take flight. We were never sure whether this was Big Brother, a social experiment, a modern re-enactment of the play gone wrong or a suicide prone cult. (It could have been all of these), even so both the acting and the performance values were incredibly high and the girls in the audience (and probably some of the boys) enjoyed Romeo taking his top off 5 times in a performance that lasted on 67 minutes.

I Am A Magnet For The Mentally Unstable

It's true kids. On a recent survey, at least 7 of my friends have been one of the following:

a) Hospitalised for mental problems
b) On medication for a mental illness
c) In search of professional help for mental illness

If I say I have 21 close friends that represents a third of my friendship group being mentally unstable. That seems a shockingly high proportion.

Now, I'm steering clear of the theory that I AM the cause of their mental instability and that's the reason so many people I know have problems.

Why is this the case? Could it be that admitting mental instability is more acceptable in our society? Could it be that the pressures of modern life mean that more people are developing various mental illnesses?

There are, thankfully, many options for those who are suffering but I think that more help could be given to those who have to deal with these kinds of people. Now there are a few publications out there designed for families and friends of the mentally unstable BUT not enough I feel.

I also find it strange that being round the mentally unstable can bring people down. If you took, say someone who was depressed and put them in a room full of happy people, they would probably become more depressed. They certainly wouldn't conquer their depression just by being around non-depressed people. However, the reverse isn't the same. Put someone who is not suffering from depression and they will undoubtedly become depressed over a long period of contact. There is a lot of research about the efficacy of institutions such as mental hospitals etc where people are "lumped together". Certainly my own experience with friends who have been institutionalised seems to agree, being in an environment of mental instability did not help them become more mentally stable (the drugs worked though and it relieved the families as well... so not all bad).

Either way, I do find it very draining to have to deal with the mentally unstable. I could never be a doctor or psychiatrist/counsellor. Even so, the fact is that it IS draining and somewhere down the line I might need support or help in having to deal with them. Not having the support may make me mentally unstable and that's worrying, and worrying makes it more likely that I'll become mentally unstable.

I'm now thinking that humans may well be hard wired to be mental.

An Analysis of London Underground Fitty Ratings

Old habbits die hard for the Psychology BSc graduate and so I like to, every now and then, take time out from my busy schedule of becoming the next Andrew Lloyd Webber, to indulge in some social commentry, if you will.

The subject of a recent analysis, which I many times shared with my former colleagues at Bluesure, if the relative fitty rating of the different London underground lines. Now, of course I must explain some terminology here...

Fitty Rating: a number out of ten, representational of how sexually attractive a person, or an
establishment's clientel happens to be. For example, the fitty rating of a
supermodel convention might be deemed as a surefire 10, whereas a
weightwatchers convention might be considered a definite 0. A Startrek
convention becomes a lot more difficult, but you get the idea.

Now we should move on to the purpose of this analysis. It is difficult enough in these hard times for the single girl or guy to find the person of their dreams, so really any help is appreciated. Did I hear an Amen? I should have done. Moreover, in the days of terrorist threats, it not only pays to look around at your fellow underground passengers (if they have a backpack and look foreign they are SOOOOOOOOOO a terrorist [see official London Met guidelines on this]), but also to take your mind off things by checking them out and thinking about sex..... and you thought this was just an opportunity for me to be funny? Take this seriously please.

So how do we calculate the fitty rating? Well I could take you through the extensive and complex calculations involved in attaching a fitty rating, BUT I'm afraid until my award-winning research paper is published this is highly classified information and, also I fear way too complicated for you to work out. Now some have suggested that a fitty rating is merely a number thought-up on the spot by the researcher. This is pure rumour and you should pay absolutely no heed to it.

And so, on with the analysis. You may want to look at this map of the London Underground.

THE BAKERLOO LINE: Fitty Rating 8

By far the fittest line on the London Underground, the Bakerloo line seems to be full of the most beautiful people in London. Why? Our research team has pinpointed that it's the stops on the Bakerloo line that make this one such an attractive journey. The Bakerloo line includes both Picadilly Circus and Oxford Circus, which as we know are both good retail areas. Those who work in sales, must look their best and this is undoubtedly why the Bakerloo line has it's fair share of hotties.

THE CIRCLE LINE: Fitty Rating 5

God bless it, the Circle Line isn't particularly quick. Now you might think that this gives those on Circle line trains ample time to put on more makeup, perhaps brush their hair, straighten their clothing? Sadly no. While the need for more makeup is definitely present, it is depressing to see that so few use the hours they will spend on these rickety old trains to improve their appearance. My heart, however does go out to those brave enough to attempt some "in flight" foundation or makeup as it usual results in hilarious mistakes due to turbulence. The Circle line does pass through Kings Cross and Liverpool Street where it picks up some of the hottest commuters BUT the destinations on the Circle line do tend to stick to financial and IT centres of London, and well, when your best friend is a computer and you get turned on by your latest stock portfolio, you're not exactly going to be a fitty are you?

THE CENTRAL LINE: Fitty Rating 7

The Central Line is pretty sharp when it comes to people with bangin threads. Clean lined, expensive suits for the men and power dressing for the women. This is the line for people in a hurry which you might think means that these people don't care about their appearance. You'd be wrong if you thought that. Very wrong. Still not as hot as the Bakerloo line, but still pretty damn hot. The only thing that lets this one down is the high percentage of older professionals who frequent this service.

THE PICADDILY LINE: Fitty Rating 4

Heathrow means that this line suffers from a serious and I mean SERIOUS babe drought. Users of this line tend to either be going on holiday, therefore making the ultimate fashion faux pas of "I'm going to be on a plane for 12 hours, I need to be comfortable" or have just returned in which case they smell like everyone's farts and might have their own, or someone else's sick all over them. Added to which, their choice of lugguage will almost certainly detract from their fitness. People don't go on holiday alone, so any fitties are likely to be instantly dismissed by attached wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/spoilt brat. Shame I know. And if they ARE single then they are likely to have just come back from a holiday "wiv der lads" or "wiv der gels". Holidays WDLs will result in potential fitness being masked by lobsterated skin, massive hats or blow up animals and classic football hooligan singing. Holidays WDGs will be masked by overcompensating with fake tan for the tan they didn't get in 3 days and incessent complaining about how fat they got and an indepth analysis of all the guys who "really fancied them" but were complete perves (so the girls took their drinks and laughed at them behind their backs). The Picadilly Line is also frequented by clueless tourists trying to get to their hotels. Cluelessness is not a fitty factor.

THE DISTRICT LINE: Fitty Rating 2

Oh dear, oh dear. The District line doesn't really serve central London too much and while it does steal some of the fitties from the Circle Line, there is something really wrong going on here. Now granted, I myself have just started using this line, so I must have increased the rating somewhat but there still seems to be major problems. The East section of the District Line seems to be frequented by tracksuit wearers and teenage males who have no time to shave because they are taking care of their illigitimate children.

THE NORTHERN LINE: Fitty Rating 6

The Northern Line seems to be something of a mixed bag. You do witness a fitty surge going north from Morden in the South Bank area but users instantly become a lot more touristy and chavvy looking when you hit Tottenham Court Road and Leicester Square, partly because these areas have high concentrations of Yates Bars and cheaper drinking establishments. The Northern Line then becomes more ghetto from Kings Cross onwards. You might get some nice students in the Euston area (UCL is based there) but that doesn't seem to contribute to the fitty rating in the way you'd expect.

THE METROPOLITAN LINE: Fitty Rating 5

Don't be decieved by the Metropolitan's outwardly fit appearance. These people will undoubtedly be freaks. As my colleague Catherine and I once witnessed, you can never tell if the couple sitting on each other's laps are a) drunk, b) on drugs or c) mentally ill. Still this conjecture will end quickly when the man starts giving the woman a hickey (love bite) that is guaranteed to draw blood. Also, don't get hopefully when you see all the fitties on the platform at Baker Street, they are getting OFF the train to get on the Bakerloo line. Gutted.


USING THIS RESEARCH...

As you may rightly point out, I have indeed missed some of the Underground lines off the analysis. This is because data has yet to be collected regarding their fitty population. If you have data, please let me know your thoughts.

So how do we use this vital and ultra scientific research?

My first point is that readers should be realistic in their expectations. While it may be tempting to rush to the Bakerloo line and grab yourself a hotty, you must be aware that you have a responsibility to preserve the delicate natural balance of fitties. You must be honest with yourself and if you are a complete minger, hanging out on the Bakerloo line excessively will result in the natural order being destroyed. If your looks and dress sense are more akin to the Circle or District lines, then you really should only think about a small upgrade to say, the Northern Line in order to increase your chances of getting a date. Of course, occasional forrays onto the Bakerloo line are permitted to appreciate the fitties in their natural habitat, but do not delude yourself if you are clearly NOT Bakerloo line material.

My second point is that as a minger, there is hope for you. If you take better care of your skin, update your wardrobe and sell your kids, a District liner has the capacity to upgrade exponentially. Think of the poor Bakerloo liners. They only have a very select window of opportunity to bagging themselves a date without resorting to the bargain bin of the London Underground service.

Use this wisely my pretties.